i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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