I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Randomize
