Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
If, when you wake up, you're wondering why you're in the bathtub, it's because when I tried to move you, you yelled that that was cheating and tried to kick me in the face.
Fair enough.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
you going clubbing tonight?
well its tuesday isnt it
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