How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I am naked and annoyed.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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