I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I've decided that my night was probably over when I started eating the penne vodka with my hands.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
He got me to hold his phone, wallet, keys and pants while he hooked up with another girl.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
Randomize
