i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
