i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I joined the mile high club last night. I ran a mile while high on coke. It was glorious
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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