I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
