yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
