btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Randomize
