Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
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