didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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