i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
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