i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Is it wrong that im more embaressed about the karoke than the toplessness?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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