Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
