i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
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