I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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