I'm saving my limes so I'll know how many drinks I've had.
I do the same thing, but I use ice cubes.
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Randomize
