i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
We're already drunk. 4 hours to go still. And there's a bear advisory. TOP WEEKEND.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
Randomize
