You went to church with your boobs hanging out?
Theyr'e a gift from god, I figured I should show him i'm using them well.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
It's a beautiful day to be high as fuck
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
