Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
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Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Jello bowls to the fucking face, that or ramen spiked with liq. Those are the only options in this house.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
That's good to know, because I will be doing terrible things to you. Terrible things, John, wicked, evil, maniacal things shall happen to you and I will have the audacity to call it sex
STILL COMPLETELY OKAY WITH THIS
You looked at the bouncer while you pissed on the front door of the bar and said...who the fuck are you?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
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