I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
