Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Can't a white girl just get drunk on a Sunday night and eat rice crispy treats. SHIT
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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