The first sip always goes straight to my vagina.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
Sorry again for almost setting you on fire.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
He updated Facebook... "Got a new phone today." WHAT ABOUT THE FUCKING KID YOU HAD?!
Randomize
