If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I have never smelled more like a drunk mariachi band than I do right now.
Maybe just the first 2 wks of Nov can be dick detox.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
