your thong is hanging out like whoa
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
where are my eyebrows?
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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