Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Phone sex soon? I mean date. Sex date. Date phone.
all 3? possibly?
I think I'm up to the challenge.
He was supposed to visit me tonight but he decided to stop in Tacoma so now I'm sitting on my bed naked eating oranges and candy corn while I watch Parks and Rec.
Now I have to hook up with him tomorrow DURING THE DAY.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
