I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
go do what you do best...puke behind churches
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
Randomize
