I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
Randomize
