you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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