genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
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