if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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