When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
I'm not saying we can't have sex tonight, I'm just saying we have to work it around Lost.
apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis
THEY'RE. IN. YOUR. BED. THEY RANDOMLY SHOW UP. AND GET IN YOUR BED.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
Randomize
