Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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