shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
