you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Randomize