Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n
what about money
no - he has a code he lives by
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Stormed out of the house in frustration and now I'm in public and have to take a rage dump. Today sucks.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
Randomize
