My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
The "puke-towel" started to grow something...
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
IM NOT TALKING TO YOU UNTIL YOU MAKE A PROCLAMATION YOU LOVE ME MORE THAN TACOS
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
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