so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
