omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
My brain and heart say thanks but my vagina isn't super pleased with you right now
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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