It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It was probably bad to sleep with someone just to pet his dog right?
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
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