I wish I could punch you in the face.
That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Looks like a significant portion of my drinking money just became legal fees.
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You know that you're in a bad spot when the doctor puts you on 500mg of amoxicillin 4 times a day for ten days and puts refills on it...
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
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