Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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