pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
My vagina can tell he is in a metal band. I dont know if I can sit down.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
rigging a system to keep my jello shots cold in class. important election day work.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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