I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours
andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Randomize
