Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
NO. NONE OF THAT. SHAME ON YOU.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
