He keeps looking? I tried to shag. I invited him to this table but he went to ze other one! If he shaves his 'tache I would totally hit it.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
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She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
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I did something similar high once. I stopped like 30 feet in front of a stop sign because I felt like it was running towards me and I started crying. Got out my car and hugged it and told it not to run away people need it.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK