Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!