I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
if you can see her tanning goggle line that's officially a deal breaker
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Randomize
