I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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