Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
3 cups of coffee and some molly. The "Tay's Day Off Diet"
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
