You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
i now understand why vodka
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
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