Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
