1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.
Going to the beach. Greeting Sandy with a blunt. Wish us luck!
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
