A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
We had one of those mutual "I know your on a dating website, I won't tell if you won't" glances.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I wish there were birth control emojis
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
I touched the butt once. 'Twas an experience with the greatness of legend. So I touched it once more.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Is it ok that I asked him half way through sex why he hadn't accepted my friend request yet?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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