I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
