I just gift wrapped bread.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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