my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
Randomize
