I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus
Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Found out why I didn't have to go drug test. My boss grew pot to pay for grad school.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
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