theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
why do cheetos always look like penises
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
I now have a other guy willing to drive 3 hours for my vagina. At my next gyno appointment I'm asking her if there's cocaine in there.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
I feel like him using the excuse "I'm not a fan of lying" to stop me from sleeping around is hypocritical since he's cheating on his wife with me.
Randomize
