her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
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This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
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OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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