I never noticed this but I have a beauty mark on my labia minora
Please tell me how you discovered this.
I was looking in the mirror snooping around
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
Well you fished my watch out of a possibly vomit filled toilet so I think we're bros now.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
