we have pet lesbian snakes
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
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