He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
you said you didn't want to carry the pizza box so just folded up the pizza and put it in your pocket
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
Dicks are not precious.
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
