I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I'm going to try to ignore the homoerotic subtext in that last question...
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I can't wait to see you again...not a euphemism, just really looking forward to seeing you. Wanting to fuck you as often as possible just seems implied at this point.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I think it stinks she’s cheating on him. My vagina on the other hand is tingly thinking about a summer of sexual healing
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
